Is This MY Year?

A Wellness Journey and The Likelihood of Still Being Fat in 2022

The first time I realized I was fat and felt ashamed of my body, I was 9 years old in Mrs. Bettani’s Math class. We were learning about weight and ranking, so in a stellar display of Zimbabwean efficiency, she decided to make every member of the class weigh themselves in front of everyone and write our weights on the chalk board. We then proceeded to rank these, by gender, from smallest to largest and perform math problems with them. “If Taren is the heaviest girl and the Suzanne is the lightest girl, how much more does Taren weigh than Suzanne?” Not to be outdone, this sadistic exercise was completed all the way through seventh grade except the math problems just got harder: “What percentile is Taren in for weight in grade 6G?” Not only did these exercises teach us math, but they also allowed class members to use real statistics to justify their playground taunts. After all, it’s not bullying if it is factually correct is it?

I don’t tell this story to shame the Zimbabwean education system. Even though as an adult I do have some four-letter words to describe those exercises and my fourth-grade teacher. I tell it because I know that almost every woman can probably recall with crystal clarity the first time they felt ashamed about their own bodies. We remember it because from that moment on we began to run, or in my case jog very slowly, on this hamster wheel of trying to attain societal perfection and never measuring up- always afraid of what everyone thinks about us.

It is New Years, the time of year when advertisers flood us with commercials, print adds, and pop ups telling us that we don’t look how we are supposed to, but if we buy their product or follow their program, we can. Next comes the resolutions, gym memberships spike, and active wear sales increase as we all set off to our new healthy selves because THIS year… it will be different. If you are anything like me, you have had about 15 “THIS year” self-proclamations followed by the inevitable defeat and complacency that hits by about…I don’t know-March? The pristine Planet Fitness swipe card that has been sitting on my key chain for years is a testament to my inability to maintain any fitness routine, but hey at least I have one, right?

So why exactly do we have so many “THIS years?” Everyone’s reasons are different, but I suspect that many women share mine-fear. Fear of being judged and fear of never measuring up.

Now I’m sure there is someone reading this and thinking to themselves, “just put down the bloody donut and get on the treadmill,” but it’s not that simple is it? For many women who are overweight, like me, just the thought of walking into the gym sends their hearts racing into a cold sweat. Gyms are for the people who are already in shape, the people that smile from the endorphins of a jog and glisten attractively as they break a light sweat in their Lululemon leggings and tight tanks. They are not for people like me, in my holey t-shirt- red faced, panting, and cursing as I struggle to jog for three consecutive minutes.

So where do WE go? The owners of love handles, jiggly thighs, and dreaded fupas? Is there a place where we can be comfortable?

Havre de Grace offers a variety of gyms, fitness classes, and programs and this year- I am going to try most of them…except for CrossFit…I am aware of my limitations. Yup- me and my holey t-shirt are checking them out and taking you along for the ride. I can’t promise it will be pretty…okay I can promise it won’t be pretty at all, but I can promise it will be an accurate portrayal of my experience and maybe it will inspire you to check it out! After all, I don’t want to be the ONLY one sweating profusely and wheezing like a water buffalo.

I also think it is important to remember that fitness is only one component of wellness. Too often, we define women by how they look and neglect the mental aspects contribute to wellness. I don’t want to fall into that trap so I would like to explore other components too.

I have suffered from anxiety most of my life and often feel like I am going 100 MPH. A voice in my head tells me that if I stop, then I fail, or people will realize I am not supposed to be here at all. Professionally, this is an asset- but personally it is exhausting, and I would be lying if I said it didn’t have a negative impact on relationships that are or have been important to me. I know I am not alone in this, particularly this year. So how do we learn to manage and harness that anxiety? Redirect those negative and self-doubting thoughts? Learn to take an hour and just think about nothing? Reiki, meditation, massage, acupuncture…let’s give it a shot!

Given my history of “THIS Year” resolutions, I also want to be cautious about how I define success. The last thing I want is for this to turn into another misguided quest for perfection that ends in failure. For me, success will not be measured by a number on a scale, how my clothes fit, or if I wake up excited about the idea of a fun run.

They rhyme, but I doubt I will EVER use the words fun and run in a sentence.

For me, success will just be the courage to try new things and walking in the door. If you decide to join me, define what success looks like for you. Be realistic and most importantly-be kind to yourself. There are enough voices out there telling you that you aren’t enough, don’t allow yours to be the loudest.

We made it through the dumpster fire that was 2020 and we owe it to ourselves to make 2021 better. I hope you join me on this journey. What have you tried? Do you have any suggestions or recommendations for me? Let me know in the comments- crossing my fingers that THIS is our year!